I recently read on another forum where a new agent was heartbroken (and subsequently outraged) that his brother-in-law hired someone else to sell his home. Because he was brand new, he felt his B.I.L. owed it to him to give him the listing so that he'd get some much-needed experience. The new agent was bad-
mouthing his B.I.L. to the rest of the family and swearing to avoid him at the next family get-together.
OUCH!
How fast can you say "Kiss Your Family's Business GOODBYE!?"
No one on this planet is obligated to work with us, regardless of any personal relationship. Instead of whining and sulking and pouting about the situation, our new agent should have taken all that energy and asked himself WHY his brother-in-law didn't hire him. And made an effort to do better next time.
Was it personal? Maybe, maybe not. Although with this guy's attitude, it probably was. The minute I get a sense that someone feels I'm obligated to hire them (or even refer them), I'm turned off. Yeah, I'm contrary that way, aren't you?
Getting business from your SOI, particularly your family SOI is an art that once mastered, will seem oh-so-obvious and natural. But if you approach the people you know with the attitude that they owe you something because you're related or went to college together or because you sent them a pretty calendar last year, your SOI efforts will crash and burn.
What I would have advised the new agent to do (had he asked) would be to graciously accept defeat and cheerfully offer his assistance. I'd have told him to be pleasant, supportive and complimentary of the other agent's efforts. Sweet as sugar. Because... at some point, the B.I.L might just get frustrated with his listing agent and be open to talking again.
But instead, look what this guy did. He alienated his B.I.L. and gave the entire family a great reason to wonder about his professionalism. I'll bet that it will be a long time before anyone in that family dares to talk to him about their own real estate needs!
*SOI = Sphere of Influence = The People Who Know You
I can see your point. You need to be gracious and go on. However, I also agree with Ardell. I would be very disappointed if my family went to another agent if we lived in the same community. What would that other agent think, let alone say about you, if they were representing another agent's family member? What kind of credibility can you build with your collegues?
I had a similar situation at my job while getting my feet wet in real estate. I continued to work on a part-time basis until I built up my business. During the first 6 months after getting licensed 5 of my close co-workers either bought or sold homes. Did I represent any of them? NOT A ONE! However, any time they couldn't reach their own agent, they were asking me for advice. I was polite, but explained that since they had an agent, they needed to speak with them. It wasn't easy.
I feel both ways. BUT in defense of the brother in law, we do not know what kind of person this new agent is. Every family has the family pariah - someone who is overbearing and obnoxious and whose presence makes every family gathering just a little tense.
That sounds to me like this guy, given his explosive response.
We had two of them in our family (believe it or not they both had the same first name, but were from different branches of the tree...). Know-it-alls, rude, unpleasant, yet they expected everyone to bow at their feet while they dispensed their wisdom. Maybe we should have gotten them both together so they could argue each other out.
Had either one of them been in real estate, I would never have used either one of them, and probably never became a real estate agent myself! LOL
During my first three months as an agent, I discovered someone I used to go to church with had a fantastic listing - a house in a desirable community priced to sell. It had expired because their previous agency did little to market it. No description on the MLS, stinky pictures. I knew I could do better.
I was crushed when she said that no, she wished me well and hoped I was the one to sell it, but they needed to sell it FAST and were going with a big brokerage. I was so hurt (and I admit, more than a little mad.) But oh well. Life goes on. There are plenty of other sellers to find. Stinks when your friends wish you well but turn their back on you, but ya gotta do what feels good in your gut. I'm not mad anymore and I'm glad they sold their home. :)
Sorry for the long comment~!
I guess I see things much differently and that's okay. Am I hurt when someone I know hires someone else? Sure. But I don't blame them (most of the time!), I either blame myself or realize that they feel that had a perfectly good reason to hire the other person. (or, frankly, it didn't occur to them to hire me because when was the last time I actually acted as if I cared about them???) If I'm worried that it's personal, then it's my job to figure out why they choose someone else and make adjustments for the future.
The point is that it's wrong to feel that someone is OBLIGATED to hire us, whether or not we're the right person for the job, just because they know us. This attitude will get you NOT hired much more than it will get you hired.
Family is especially sensitive to feeling obligated. In the situation above, the brother in law has his own set of friends, relationships and business connections, which may include some fantastic real estate agents. Why, oh why should he be obligated to use his wife's brother who JUST got his real estate license SO THAT THE GUY CAN GET SOME MUCH-NEEDED EXPERIENCE???
Ditto Karen - sorry for the long comment!
I know all agents think they are going to work harder, try harder, just be the best daggone agent anyone has ever seen, but the truth hurts. The only side we heard of the story you cited was from that of the new agent; we have no idea what his past job history has been...he may have been a job hopper, going from one thing to another, giving the BIL a perfectly good reason to question whether or not he was actually going to be in business long enough to see the deal through to completion. For the agent to think his BIL somehow OWES him his business is ludicrous; his subsequent reaction may be a clue as to why the BIL didn't want to use him.
My attitude is, if someone doesn't want to hire me - family or otherwise - then clearly, they have a reason, even if it is ill-advised. It may be they don't want me to know their personal business, it may be they don't have confidence in my abilities, it can be one of a hundred reasons. But at the end of the day, I don't feel anyone is obligated to use me. Good heavens, I have a couple of relatives whom, if they were to get into real estate and I was not, I wouldn't dream of using or referring. I just wouldn't. They haven't inspired confidence in previous endeavors, so I would not want to be a guinea pig while they give real estate a try. It is too big of an investment to let someone "practice" on me.
Susan - that's what I love about you - (besides that you always agree with me) - you have a great ability to put yourself in the other guy's shoes and see things from his perspective.
Kris - Yeah! I hate the idea of feeling obligated to use or hire someone, even if I DO think they're the best for the job. I'd hate to make someone feel that way about me.
How'd you like to be this guy's sister?? She's in an enviable position, huh? I think the longer you're in the business, the easier it is to distance yourself from feeling hurt. I actually respect some of my friends who use other REALTORS - they have a prior, trusted relationship with them. Would I want my clients, who I've forged a strong relationship with, to jump ship because their friend got their license? I think it speaks to the fact that we can do it RIGHT, and when we do, we get clients for life.
I'm ok with that. I'm building my own loyal client base.
Additionally, I don't particularly like working with family - especially older family members. They can say they trust you all they want, but at the end of the day, they still remember you as a geeky know-it-all teenager and think they know more than you (abot everything). I prefer NOT to beat my head against a wall if I can help it.
I disagree Jennifer. Selling Real Estate is how we support ourselves and our family. If our friends and family do not care enough about us to give us the opportunity to do so then they don't really care. Do they?
I do agree that they should not bad mouth the B.I.L. because as you said kiss the family business goodbye. Besides you never know perhaps the other agent will be unable to sell their home.
Yes I would Jennifer. Even though I view health care providers differently than sales people. My dentist (who I have gone to for years) has new hygienists from time to time anyway. So even though it is my same dentist I have some new person clean my teeth.
Why would you not give your business to your family or at least let them have the opportunity to earn it? It does not sound like they even talked to the agent to see what they were able to offer before going with someone else. Perhaps they did and the agent was a screw up. You did not say one way or the other.
All things being equal I will patronize my friends and family. I have seen plenty of experienced agents screw up as well. Just because they have been in the business for a time and have experience does not guarantee there wont be any speed bumps in a transaction.
Perhaps we should just agree to disagree :)
Jennifer -- I agree that people should not feel obligated to use your services just because you are family or friends. I think also when you are new in this business, it takes people a while to begin thinking of you in terms of real estate especially if they know a dozen other Realtors.
In my social circle there are 4 or 5 agents with various degrees of experience. I would frequenlty be talking to some one and they would mention something about real estate and then the comment would come "Oh, that's right, your a Realtor now." I knew that my new role was still foreign to them.
I am just approaching the two year mark and now people are thinking of me more in terms of the real estate service I can provide. Referrals are coming my way, they ask real estate related questions and I know that my role is becoming solidified.
There are so many that come and go in this business that I think people need to see that you are in the business for the long haul. Credibility takes time.
OK -- I'm joining the ranks of the long winded commenters!!! Sorry :)
Lisa - Oooooohhhh... did you really mean that? That you can't "rely" on anyone? I'd prefer to use the term "obligate someone to work with you" because I think you definitely CAN rely on lots of people. As long as you don't obligate them... picky picky picky.
Lori - you make lots of great points in your long-winded response! Keep them coming!
Stephen - You scared me! You're kidding, right? (about the dirty laundry thing). My first year I was crushed when a friend hired someone else and I probably did feel betrayed. As Heather said, above, it does get easier to let it go.
Jim - I don't think we really disagree - I'm all for being loyal to my friends and family and as you may know, I think everyone ought to strive to generate the bulk of their business from the people in their social network. I just don't think we should carry around the attitude that if someone we know uses someone else that they've somehow betrayed us.
I've learnt in this business not to take it personally. I was very sour with my friend when he chose MONEY (ie using that realtor resulted in rebate back to him) over our friendship. But I think I was the only person that valued our friendship. After knowing what happened, me knowing that I must not again let MONEY come in our way, I gave him my dining table - the one that had served my family well for over 6 years. I could have easily throw it away, but chose to be the bigger person. (I'm not asking for praises). But yes, it is hard to not expect though, dont you think?
If I was brand new, and knowing what I know now, I'll probably understand that perhaps the BIL wanted a more experienced agent to work with, or already had started a relationship (business) with the realtor prior to me becoming an agent. Who knows. Always give the benefit of the doubt.
Years later, I guess after I mellowed out, I think it's okay. He didnt have the courtesy to tell me but he said he was sorry to my husband. ???
Hello Jennifer,
Great post and responses. For our team, we've had rejection from all corners: Family; former collegues, etc. One of the best responses on our part is to keep a focus on building our base of Core Advocates and nurturing those relationships. Sure, we may vent to some extent, then move onto the more positive aspects of this great business.
Thanks!
John
I would be hurt if my B.I.L used someone else. The B.I.L should have made an effort to talk with the new agent first and explain why he was choosing someone else. We never know what kind of "person" this new agent was. The first week I was in Real Estate I was giving some advice from an experienced agent...
If your friend or family decides to list their home with someone else or buys from another agent, DON'T take it personally. It's Business. I have also learned that anything involving money changes people. They have another side to them when money is involved.
Years ago, I learned the lesson be careful of mixing business with friends and family. If things go wrong over money you can have a life-long problem over it. Several years back my father was interested in buying a new home; at this time one of my cousins had a real estate license and showed him a couple of houses. Some time passed, he decided he would like to make an offer on one of the houses but wanted to see the house once again before making an offer. Would you believe it, my cousins license had expired and she couldn't show him the house right away!!!! He made an offer and bought the house through the broker. My cousin bad mouthed my father through-out the family that he didn't buy the house through her. Personally, I believe he went above board and tried to use her but her irresponsibe unprofessional attitude kept her from helping herself. She wasn't ready when the time came, to do business!!!
Chapter 2 the present. Yes I mean right now!!!! My sister just remarried her first husband after being separated from him for thirteen years; the ceremony was January 1,2008. ( a whole interesting story unto itself) She has moved to Texas and her house in Phoenix is listed with another real estate agent, not me! This is totally the absolute best solution to this situation at least for the present. The house is overpriced and I am willing to eat a frog if it sells at its current price. My sister, whom I love dearly,(I was best man at her wedding, twice) is someone who would never willingly admit to me knowing more than her about anything!!! At this point it is her business. Period... In six months, after the listing has expired, if she wants and is finally willing to listen to me; then and only then, I am willing to help. There is a lesson I have learned in life, "You can't sell an overpriced listing no matter how much you advertise/market it." If I had the listing it wouldn't be on my terms and it wouldn't sell; thereby I would be a heel. In six months maybe I will get a listing which stands a chance of selling; maybe I will become a hero?
Truth----honestly,
Wow. I found it absolutely fascinating to hear all of the variety of opinions on this topic. But I have to agree with Jennefer on this one. And I think the take home message is, regardless of how hurt and angry you feel when someone you know uses another Realtor, if you burn your bridges with that person and complain about it to other folks you're only hurting yourself and your business for the future. Be gracious and see it as a learning experience. They may hire you in the future when you have more experience.
These are great points even though it is very hard when someone you know very well goes to another agent. Jessica's comment says it well, too. By showing your anger and/or hurt and by not being gracious, you are only making yourself look bad and possibly also causing that person to feel badly, too...which does not help anyone. I totally agree, but it is still very hard when it happens. So....you handle it gracefully and shake it off like a duck.....but then what do you do when they want your opinions and advice while they are working with another Realtor they actually hired? What is a gracious way to handle that besides telling them that you really can not interefere with the agency relationship they have with thier current agent?
Debra - Just cheerfully and professionally answer their questions, unless they're "asking" you to criticize their agent - NEVER do that. You have PLENTY of business and you respect your friend's choice because he or she is an intelligent human being. If you show even a hint of disappointment or resentment, you'll damage your credibility forever with this person.
Great answer, Jennifer, thanks!! One question, though....are you recommending advising them on thier transaction while they are working with another agent? I always thought that would be an ethical violation...
I don't really know the ins and outs of what is simply helpful versus intrusive, so I guess that would be important to consider. Philosophically, however, I would want to be cheerfully helpful so as to not damage my reputation or the relationship. Great point though!
I can completely understand and appreciate your point, Jennifer, cheerful, helpful and professional are the best ways to be....and...as important as this is ...what did you learn from it?